Snorrrrrreee....

Completely irrational depression clouds me at the moment. I got an assignment back. 81.5% which I think is a credit, although I may be wrong. Had a good weekend away with Arts Weekend. Played a good gig on Saturday night.

But still feel depressed. Trying on different feelings to see what clicks and may be a good reason for depression

Singleness with no prospects anywhere in sight : feeling of hopelessness no greater than usual.
Lack of regular employment and seriously minimal fundses : nup. Not them either.
Feelings of alienation and futility : maybe, but I haven't started listening to Radiohead yet, so it's not that either.

I don't know. Been having bizzarre dreams lately focused around the idea that if I could go back in time with what I know now about how people in general think and myself, perhaps I wouldn't be so fucked up. I would tell certain people to go jump, I'd pay attention to other people more and I wouldn't have said or done certain things that would give them incorrect perceptions of me.

I feel like I'm expected to be this person sometimes and I don't want to. Like I'm expected to be all responsible and mature and stuff and not stoop to adolescent antics. I never had adolescent antics. I had "Look at those retarded fools. Like I'd be caught dead doing that," which now appears as, "I wish I had {insert thing here} when I was younger. Then it would have been written of as retarded adolescent fooling."

Right at this moment I regret having had ignored all the girls at my school (even the nice, not slutty ones - all three of them) on the basis that high school relationships are a useless waste of time spent on study, and besides neither of you is mature to carry on a relationship anyway (no car, no money, etc).

I regret having written certain people off as colorless when they were perhaps the most principled and focused people there.

I regret not really experiencing my adolescence by closing my eyes and hoping it finished as soon as possible.

I'm pretty sure this makes me a complete weirdo, but I can't help but think if I had done things differently, would I not be so unable to do seemingly normal everyday functional things that 95% of the world seems to be able to do like gain employment, have a relationship, not have internal psyche core melt-downs every three working hours.

I mean, right now I question what value I bring to anything, anywhere being that it seems I don't mean much to anybody personally, nobody values my creative art (well at least not enough to pay me for it), nobody seems to value me personally enought to care about the cracks appearing.

I now realise why it's so hard for me to get up in the mornings : sleep offers a nice escapism from the reality that is, "Wake up. Now expend your emotional and physical energy, get reamed in return. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum."