Nice

I had a nice weekend. My folks and my sister went up for her engagement party in Rockhampton (her fiancé is from there) and I did assignments and watched movies, then had BAS last night. After that Kinoko, Tigris and Panic came back here and we watched DVDs and talked crap till the early hours.

That was nice.

I'm interested in someone at the moment. She's very sweet, pretty, funny, we have stuff in common and we're going out on Friday night. I'm just kind of hoping that it goes well and she wants to do it again. According to a faithful trusted party, she thinks I'm quite depressed/ing. Well if she's been reading my blog I could understand that. But it's not really the case.

Apparently I come through as all depressed and morose through this thing. I'm not really like that at all. I just find it carthatic to vent in text, particularly where I know my friends can read it and either tell me to wake up to myself, or at least gain some insight into why I climbed the tower with the gun.

I was in the car with Simon tonight and we were having a little D&M as you do when driving along and I brought up the fact that this girl thinks I'm depressed/ing and how I thought that was a little misjudged. Simon said not so much depressed as bitter and cynical. I think bitterness is an unhealthy amount of cynicism but I also think that cynicism is healthy. At least to a point.

My problem seems to be that I barely balance the scales on healthy cynicism and frequently dip into the unhealthy part. I think it's a defense mechanism that runs something along the lines of "keep people away and they can't hurt you" but what happens when you do want to get close to someone? You let the cynicism down and once you get hurt the wall goes up again, but thicker and deeper.

I am making such an effort not to do that lately, but I don't know if it's having any positive effect or repercussions. I wish I could get an informed opinion from a third person observer or something. Maybe "emotional surveyors" are listed in the Yellow Pages...